Dr David Dybdal, Boston Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist

David Dybdal, MD, PhD

Compassionate, Effective Psychotherapy and Medication Management


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10 Years Gone By

Posted on 20 December, 2020 at 0:00

10 years ago I inadvertently, and perhaps unavoidably fell into a great darkness, the well of being and non-being, where I stood naked and without protection, exposed to infinity. I was completely dismembered, depersoned, suspended and dissolved into the ocean of the allness/nothingness around me.

 

I fell into a psychotic haze, walking in circles, and repeating the same meaningless phrases, over and again.

 

And I was alone. Most people, bless their hearts, didn't understand what was happening to me; some tried to make suggestions, some blamed me and labeled me; some, with humility, explained that they did not know how to help me. And thank the heavens for the one or two who sat with me, singing me lullabyes and sending me recorded sounds of the sea to listen to when crying in pain and unable to fall asleep.

 

For 10 years, I explored the dark, making maps and bringing back souvenirs from the land of the dead. Following crows and ravens, forging a black viking ship to carry me back and forth across the river Styx. And like Theseus, I offered myself to enter into the labyrinth to kill the evil Minotaur, whilst the golden thread, a gift from my beloved, tethered me to the entrance of the labyrinth so that I could find my way back out of the maze.

 

I learned the importance of being willing to sacrifice that which is most precious to me, like Abraham and Isaac at the sacrificial alter.

 

I learned in the wake of violent and horrible storms at sea, to bind myself to the mast, to keep myself safe until the storm subsided.

 

I learned to make a bridge across the terrifying and dark abyss, using stones made of loving acts and intentions.

 

And I dug down into the earth, tearing my fingernails and breaking my back whilst digging deeper and deeper, intent upon fashioning a foundation strong enough to prevent me from ever falling again.

 

And now, I notice a new scent in the air. Feelings stir within me that I have never sensed before. It's time now, time to stop trying to understand, time to stop trying to find my way out of the darkness, time to lift my head and look up, into the light.

 

The foundations are now firm and deep. It's time come out of the hole, and begin living in sunlight and rain, in joy and pain, and always in love.

 

It's time to now finally build my house and return home. Amen


- David Dybdal


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